Harry Potter Wtfery
by AutumnsBandit
Summary: Set after the last book, this is a parody of life in the Harry Potter Universe. May contain charatcers from other fandoms. Some characters are ours. Contains major character-bashing, OOC, extream language, 1 count of yuri and very offensive material.
1. And now introducing

-After the sorting-

Draco: "Alright, first years. Shut the hell up, sit down, and watch out for things falling."

A Gryffindor first year: "Falling things!?" –is hit by a falling brick-

Draco: "Told you. Right, there's a few people you need to watch out for. They know who they are. Now they'll introduce themselves and explain why you need to stay the hell away."

Eci: -stands up- "Alrighty, my name's Eci Vulpes, I'm narcoleptic, and if any of you make fun of my name, hair or draw on me while I'm asleep, I swear to god. I'll feed you to Satan. My mother's a time traveller, my dad was a pirate, and both me and my brother are summoners in training."

Ravenclaw first year: "How can your dad be a pirate?! And where's your brother then!?"

Eci: "Time. Travel. Listen when I speak. Jesus. My brother got expelled for accidentally summoning Cthulu. He's in the lake."

Draco: "She means Cthulu's in the lake. Not her brother."

Eci: "I'M FUCKING SPEAK-" –falls asleep-

Draco: "well. That works."

Eci: "ING! …Why's my head hurt?"

Draco: "You were thinking too much. You hurt your lonely little brain cell."

Eci: -mad- "THAT'S IT! I'M CALLING ROBIN!" –pulls out phone-

Draco: "OH SHIT NO!"

Car: -engine roaring-

Draco: "YOU ARE KIDDING ME!!!"

First years: -scramble-

Wall: -falls down, and takes most of the roof and the entire Hufflepuff table with it-

Porsche: -appears through the smoke and rubble-

Eci: "DAMN RIGHT!" –falls asleep again-

Porsche: -door opens and a person falls out-

Eci: -wakes up- "for fucks sake Robin" –facepalm-

Draco: "ROBIN!!! Did you have to drive through the bloody wall!!! The School's bad enough already!"

Eci: "Not our fault you're a shitty headmaster."

Robin: "what…what wall?" –dazed-

Eci: "Robin, I doubt they need it, but explain to the pants-pissing-terrified first years why you're a bad influence. Savvy. SHIT! I SAID IT AGAIN!"

Robin: -stands up- "Urm…well I self harm, I do drugs I drink and have wild parties. Also I go through 3 girls a night so im a bit of a slag."

Hufflepuff first year: "LESBO!"

Robin: "BAD MISTAKE!" –cracking knuckles-

Draco: "Robin, no physical violence on the first night, please. Feel free to verbally and mentally abuse him, though."

Robin: "NO! but any questions?"

Slytherin first year: "Yeah. What's with the thongs in your belt?"

Another Slytherin first year: "And the girl in the back on the car…?"

Robin: "well the thongs belong to the girl and how they and she got on my person and in my car I have no idea" –grins-

Draco: "Sit down, Robin. And don't destroy any more of the school while you're doing it."

Part of the roof: -collapses on Robin's Porsche-

Robin: "SON OF A BITCH!"

Eci: "HOLY SHIT! THERE WAS SOMEONE IN THERE!"

Robin: "that's not what im worried about!!!!!" –running over to the car-

Eci: -drawing a small pentagram- "Well I care! For some reason.." –starts summoning-

A cute little devil: -appears-

Eci: "awwww!" –coughs- "I mean, go save that girl!"

Demon: -throws the rubble off the car and lifts the girl out-

Eci: "Goood demon!"

Demon: -eats the girls soul for payment-

Eci: -face falls- "Shit. Didn't think of the payment."

Draco: "Oh, very clever. Can't see iwhy/i your brother got expelled…"

Eci: "SHUT YOUR FACE, OLD MAN!"

Robin: "yeah Eci get him told!"

Draco: "BOTH OF YOU SIT THE FUCK DOWN!"

Eci: "Can't fucking make me!"

Monica: -walking in- "well I can make Robin sit down" –smiles- "I think my brother can deal with Eci"

Alex: "on the other hand, we icould/i just wait for her to fall asleep…"

Monica: "but that's not the case with Robin is it"

Alex: "Well yeah, but you aren't exactly terrified of talking to Robin are you?"

Monica: -shoves Alex towards Eci- "so then Robin" –grins- "sit. The. Hell. Down."

Alex: -rams into Eci and they both fall over-

Eci: "GAH!"

Alex: "SHITI'MSORRY!" –trying to stand up and failing-

Eci: -random pirate gibberish-

-back to Robin and Monica-

Robin: "or what?"

Monica: "or I'll ask you where you got those thongs from"

Robin: "oh shit" –tries shoving it down the nearest first years top-

First year: "I don't need my bra stuffing thanks very much"

Robin: "Oh yes you do mosquito bites for boobs"

Draco: -using the judge's gavel- "ORDER! ORDEERRR!!"

Kateri: "You still fail as much as when I taught you. Lol"

Draco: "What the hell, Kateri. You haven't bloody aged!?"

Kateri: "Anime character, mate. We idon't/i age. You know, you remind me of Hidan now." –trying not to laugh-

Robin: "you did not just actually say l-o-l did you old lady?"

Kateri: "OLD?! OOH! BITCH!" –pulling weapons out of her cloak-

Robin: -O.O- "OH SHIT!!"

Shizuma: "No attacking the students, missy!" –confiscates the weapons—

Eci: -has managed to stand up and get Alex to his feet- "AYE MATES! FIRE THE CANNONS!" –waving a sword around-

Alex: "Uhh… Where the hell did you get that sword from?"

Eci: "Eighth dimension was holding it for me. I have friends down there. Friends who won't eat peoples souls for payment of saving the same person."

Draco: "OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! GET TO THE COMMON ROOMS AND DON'T DESTROY THE BLOODY SCHOOL!"

Kateri: "You even isound/i like Hidan…"

Draco: "Are you fucking obsessed?!"

Kateri: "CHEEK!" –slaps Draco-

Draco: "OI! OOH!" –points wand at Kateri- "ITS ON BITCH!"

Kateri: "HA! BRILLIANT!" –pulls out two Tommy guns-

Eci: "Aaaalriighty… time to be going…"

Robin: "TO THE DORM!" –waves hands- "WHICH WAY IS IT!?"

Monica: -grabs Robin- "Come on, crazy."

Kateri: "HOSHIT!" –drops gun-

Draco: "HA! TAKE THIS, BITCH!"

Kateri: "HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANY OTHER INSULTS, YOU FLABBY SON OF A COW!"

Eci: "Wow. I like that teacher."

Kateri: -thumbs up- "Thanks mate!" –punching Draco in the face-

-In the Slytherin dorms-

Eci: "Well, that was… eventful.."

Robin: "yah….only kidding not on drugs" –grins-

Eci: "yeah like that's believable. Savvy. Goddamn"

Alex: -blushing-

Monica: -elbows her twin brother- "god stop blushing you twat"

Alex: "Screw you!" –even redder-

Robin: "Oi, my job."

Monica: "ROBIN!" –angry face- "can we have private words please" –drags her to one side-

Robin: "what?"

Monica: "I thought we agreed on a strictly need to know basis!"

First years: "Is every day like this? With the roof falling in, and sexual jokes, and fights between the teachers?"

Eci: "In a nutshell- Yes."

First year: "Ah. Any way to quit?"

Alex: "If there was, we'd have a much lower death rate."

First Year: "Oh. Shit."

Eci: "Oh, firsties, I wouldn't stand right there. That's where I summon guys. Well, demons. But you know."

First years: -jump out of the spot-

Eci: "Ha!" –points- "Gotcha! I can summon anywhere I want."

Robin: "first years out please were having a party and there WILL be drugs, alcohol and sex. And possibly all three at the same time. Don't want to blow your tiny little minds though do we" –grins-

Eci: "Can I invite Satan again!?"

Monica: "NO! Not after last time!"

First year: "Uh, what happened last time?"

Monica: "Well, first is obviously the fact that he iis/i Satan. The whole place got blown up and we all got third degree burns."

Eci: "That was bnot/b my fault! It was an accident that I summoned him anyway."

Alex: "yeah im backing Eci"

Robin: "yeah and im backing Monica and I count as ten people so go screw a fish." –middle finger-

Eci: "The entire legions of hell back me up, so go fuck a donkey!"

First years: -blank stare-

Robin: "I FUCKED THE ENTIRE LEGION OF HELL!!!! SO bYOU/b FUCK A DONKEY!!!"

Eci: "Dude!? What the fuck!?"

Robin: "It was a joke!" - -_- -

Eci: "Don't joke about that! You haven't bloody seen them! Friggin Satan is the best looking of the lot!"

Robin: "Okay, okay ill just stick to screwing Monni and the occasional girl"

Monica: "What was that last part, Robin?" –tapping foot-

Eci: "Woo, deep shit. Anyway, I'm inviting a demon. One of the better behaved ones." –wanders off-

Alex: "Is there such thing as a well behaved demon?"

Eci: -stops- "Good point.. They're only well behaved if you've got a contract with them.. And then they'll eat your soul at some point.."

Alex: "Right. If you're summoning, we should keep a first year here. Just in case."

Eci: "good call." –starts drawing summoning circle-

Robin: "THAT ONE!" –points-

Alex: "That's the headmaster's son…"

Scorpius: "Yeah, I AM the headmaster's son! You can't sacrifice me!"

Robin: "He'll be right"

Draco: -appears- "DON'T TOUCH MY SON!"

Kateri: "I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU, COWBAG!" –pounces and mauls Draco-

Scorpius: "AAHG! DAD!?"

A little demon: -jumps on Scorpius's back and chews on his head- "Graaw.."

Eci: "Don't worry! He's friendly! His name's Furfur!" –scratches behind Furfur's ears-

Robin: "sorry but what the fuck!"

Eci: "Don't shout at him! Honestly, he tore the last person who did that to pieces!"

Scorpius: "AAAAAHHH! GET IT OFF! AAAHH!" –bashing Furfur on the head-

Furfur: "GRAAAAGHH!" –steadily getting bigger-

Monica: -is secretly scared and grabs Robins hand- "it's getting bigger"

Robin: "I can see that babe, get behind me"

Eci: -pulls a whip from somewhere- "BAD DEMON! DOWN!" –cracks whip-

Furfur: -red eyes- "ROOOAAAR!" –lets go of Scorpius-

Eci: "Shiiiit…"

Furfur: -grins-

Alex+ Monica:-in perfect unison- "Fuuuck.."

Furfur: -pounces on Scorpius again and plays with his hair like a cat-

Eci: -stares-

Monica: "What did you do!?" –hiding behind Robin-

Eci: -clears throat- "Exactly as planned. I did all that to… show you all how great I am at controlling demons now. Yeah." –shifty eyes-

Robin: "Well at least that wasn't weird"

Monica: "Are you playing dumb or just didn't see what just happened?" –o_O-

Robin:"God! Calm down you giant strap-on"-cut off by Monica-

Monica: "Don't even ithink/i of making a sexual joke involving me"

Eci: "Ok girls, calm down"

Kateri + Draco: -still fighting, slowly wrecking the dorm-

Eci: -picks up Furfur, who's shrunk again- "Sorry guys, looks like the party's off. Instead, lets beat on some firsties." –grins-

Robin: "Nah, let's just gatecrash the Hufflepuff dorm!" –already halfway out the door-

Draco: -accidentally knocks Robin out-

Kateri: "Picking on my favourite students, are we?!" –pulls out a lead pipe- "Take this, BITCH!"

Monica: -to Eci- "You think Robin's okay?"

Eci: "Oh, she'll be fine. She's had worse." –pauses- "much worse"

Alex: "I'll carry her over to the Hufflepuff dorm. She'll have woken up by then. If we don't take her, she'll strangle us in our sleep" –sneaky eyes-

-outside Hufflepuff dorms-

Eci: "Forward, bitches!" –points-

Alex: -carrying Robin- "Oh, sure."

Furfur: -scaling the wall-

Monica: "To get in here, we have to be sneaky"

Eci: "Ha. Us, sneaky?"

Robin: -awake- "WHOWHATWHERE!?" –pauses- "Why's my head hurt?"

Monica: "Oh good. Robin, help us come up with a plan to sneak in"

Robin: -pounding on the door- "BRING OUT YER DEAD!"

Eci: "Well. That works so well. You know, I could probably open up a portal or a vortex or something. No guarantee it wouldn't kill us though."

Monica + Alex: -in unison- "Not after last time." –to each other- " STOP DOING THAT!"

Robin: "awwww. Monni's cute when she's angry" -^^-

Monica: -evil look- "YOU WHAT?"

Eci: "Huh. Guys, the door's sort of… open"

Alex: "So it is. When'd that happen?"

Furfur: -grinning from inside the common room-

Eci: "oh! Good Furfur! Who's a good demon!" –petting Furfur-

Robin: -peeks round the door- "Furfur's not a good demon. He's killed the lot by the looks of it."

Eci: -blank look-

Alex: "OKAY! Back to the common room before we get blamed"

Monica: "Great minds think alike, let's go!"

Robin: "LEG IT!"

Draco: -stood in the way- "GOTCHA!"

Eci: "OH SHIT!" –cuddling Furfur-

Alex: "Where's Kateri when you need her?!"

Draco: "Distracted by booze."

Robin: "Old man! You've got a black eye!"

Monica: "It's black!"

Robin: "No shit."

Draco: "YOU FUCKING WHAT!? I'M GONNA MURDER KATERI!"

Eci: "RUN!" –points and runs-

Furfur: -drops a smoke bomb at Draco's feet-

Draco: -chocking-

-back in the common room-

Robin: "PARTEY!"

Eci: "Somehow, I'd rather not attract the attention of the head."

Robin: "well I don't give a shit" –knocks back a beer-

Kateri: -unconscious on one of the sofa's-

Eci: -yawns- "I think I'll not banish Furfur back. I might try cursing someone again…"

Monica: "Pass me a beer, Robin" –please face-

Robin:"No" –evil grin-

Eci: -falls asleep on Alex-

Alex: -bright red-

Monica: "get a grip, Alex!"

Alex: "FUCK YOU!" –trying to put Eci on a sofa-

Robin: -already smashed- "Mooonicaaaaa…" –stupid grin-

Monica: -ugh no face-

Kateri: -wakes up- "Where the fuck am I?"

Robin: -Starts crying- "But Monica?"

Monica: "To bed with you, missy!"

Robin: "THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!"

Monica: "Single. Beds." –hand gestures-

Robin: "Still enough room."

Monica: "Still enough room in my head about those thongs."

Robin: -gets the message-


	2. Nautical Nonsense

-the next morning, in the great hall-

Draco: -to Eci, Robin, Monica and Alex- "You've been here one day. Half the school's destroyed, all the Hufflepuffs are dead, I have a fucking black eye and there's still a bloody car in the great hall. GET OUT OF MY SCHOOL!"

Kateri: "Calm down, granddad" –holding her head-

Draco: -knocks Kateri off her chair-

Eci: "You're expelling us?!"

Draco: "No. I just don't want you in this school until it's been repaired. And we re-stock the Hufflepuffs"

Robin: "Where we going then?"

Eci: "OOH! Can we go to my brother's school!?" –puppy dog eyes-

Draco: "I really don't give a shit. Just get out."

-somewhere over the Bermuda triangle, in a plane-

Alex: "Eci, what are we doing up here?" –scared of heights-

Monica: -clutching Robin's arm- "I second that question" –also scared of heights-

Eci: "Duh. It's one of the only ways to get to my brother's school, and you don't want to see me on a ship."

Furfur: -trying to sabotage the plane-

Eci: -picks Furfur up- "Bad demon. No sabotaging."

Robin: -over the intercom- "This is your new captain. Were making a unscheduled stop to the ocean, buckle your seat belts"

Plane: -dives-

Eci: "WOO! I love this bit!"

Furfur: -screaming-

Alex: "THE FUCKING DEMON'S SCREAMING!?"

Monica: "ROBIN! GET OFF THE CONTROLS!"

Eci: "Bellay that! Robin, keep going!"

Robin: "Eye eye captain"

Monica: "I thought you were captain, Robin!!!"

Eci: "She's acting captain!" –grinning like a madman-

Alex: -scared stiff-

Monica: -also scared stiff-

Plane: -hits the water-

Eci: "Open the doors! Get ready to disembark!"

Monica: "ECI! THIS IS NOT A SHIP!"

Eci: "NEAR ENOUGH!" –opening the doors-

A guy: -is stood in a little boat, just outside the doors- "Ello, mates. You wanting to visit?"

Eci: "Yep!"

The guy: "Hey, you're Ice's sister, aren't you!"

Eci: "That I am. We've been kicked out, is it ok if we go here for a while?"

Furfur: -in a weird voice- " No like water!" –panicking-

Eci: "HOLY SHIT IT SPEAKS"

Robin: -raises eyebrow-

Furfur: -climbs up Eci's back and sits on her shoulder- "No like waaater.." –muttering-

The guy: "Riiiight.. That's not creepy at all. Still, not like I've never seen it before. 'Name's Cloud, by the way."

Eci: "Hey!" –smiles-

Alex: -muttering-

Monica: -patting him on the back-

Robin: -groping Monica's ass-

Alex: "OFF MY SISTER!"

Monica: "Calm down, jesus."

Furfur: -hisses- "No like Jesus."

Everyone: -O.O-

Eci: "Uhh.."

Monica: "Um. I hope the demon's friendly.."

Eci: "Try not mentioning anything from up there" –points up-

Cloud: "Let's go inside, yeah?" –gesturing with hands-

Robin: "Yeah sure" –puts arm round Monica and walks in-

Eci: "Alright then. Alex, you coming?"

Furfur: -jumps on to Alex's shoulder- "Like Alex!" –purring-

Alex: "That's both cute and creepy at the same time…" –patting Furfur's head-

Cloud: "Let's be going then!"

Everyone: -squeezes into the little boat-

Cloud: "Down we go!"

Furfur: "EEP!" –trying not to get wet-

Boat: -sinking-

Eci: "Uhm. Won't we, you know. Drown."

Cloud: "There's a high possibility of that. Hold yer breath! Oh, an watch out for the kracken."

Alex + Monica: -in unison- "Kracken?!"

Cloud: -waving hands- "Nothing much to worry about! Really!"

Eci: "That's one big school."

Robin: -looking in the wrong direction- "What? Where?!"

Eci: "Turn around. Oh look, my brother!" –waving-

Monica: "He looks a hell of a lot like you."

Eci: "Twins, love. Savvy"

Cloud: "Sounds a lot like 'er as well."

Boat: -stopped-

Everyone: -gets out-

Ice: "We don't want any!" –pushing Eci away-

Eci: "Quit it, you giant knob!"

Ice: "At least its giant"

Robin: "motion in the ocean not the size of the boat" –pats Ice on the back-

Ice: "Long time no see, Robin"

Monica: "I can't get over how much you look the same. Honestley."

Robin: "You might not have noticed, but you look like your brother too."

Monica + Alex: "OI!"

Robin: -grins-

Ice: -has arm around Eci's shoulder- "We look nothing the same, either. I mean, come on. I don't have boobs for one thing. Mind you.."

Eci: "DON'T YOU DARE!"

Cloud: "are we going in or just staying outside for a while?" –o.O-

Furfur: -back on Eci's shoulder- "KRACKEN!"

Cloud: "Oh shit. EVERYONE TO THE KRACKEN ATTACK SHELETER!"

Ice: "WHERE'S THE NEAREST ONE!?"

Cloud: "Uh. Other side 'o the school?"

Eci: "Oh. That's clever"

Ice: "Well, there was one here. But the Kracken sort of.. Ate it."

Alex: "Oh. Brilliant."

Furfur: "Kracken getting closer!" –waving little demon hands-

Kracken: -ROAR!-

Robin: -stroking kracken- "awwww whos a cute kracken. Yes you are"

Eci + Ice: -o.O- "The fuck?"

Robin: "I got a thing for animals" –shrugs-

Eci: "Yeah, but.. That thing's a.. tentacle monster. Which reminds me" –turns to Ice- "Did you get that thing with Jones sorted out?"

Ice: "Oh yeah. Someone stabbed his heart or something."

Eci: "Oh good. So, who's in charge of the Dutchman now?"

Ice: -shrugs- "Some guy."

Eci: "So all the tentacle raping has stopped?"

Monica + Alex: "Tentacle rapage?"

Eci + Ice: "You didn't want to be here last year."

Robin: "Yeah, but Monica wanted to be" –stupid grin-

Monica, Alex, Eci and Ice: -all slap Robin at once-

Robin: -curled up on the floor-

Cloud: -sweatdrop- "We goin' inside or what? Cause the kracken don't look to happy."

Kracken: -getting slowly closer to Robin- "nom?"

Furfur: -hissing at Kracken- "NO NOM!"

Eci: "Awh! Clever Furfur!"

Ice: "You summoned a clever demon? AWESOME!"

Cloud: "look, you guys don't come inside- you drown. THAT SIMPLE"

Eci: "Fine! Jesus!"

Furfur: -glares- "NO. Like. Jesus."

Eci: "Sorry Furfur!" –petting-

-inside-

Fan girls in the shadows: -stalking the group- "psst isn't that Robin Touchstone? With two sets of twins? AND WHAT IS SHE DOING WITH THAT GIRL!! OMFG SHES GOT HER ARM ROUND HER!!"

Furfur: -glances round- "I smell Fangirls"

Eci: "really? Here as well?"

Robin: -oblivious-

Fan girls: -moving in for the kill-

Furfur: -suddenly huge- "NO LIKE FAN GIRLS!!" –evil grin-

Eci: "Huh. Shit."

Cloud: "Pleeease don't get any bigger. It'll smash the roof!"

Furfur: "okay, sorry." –shrinks slightly-

Ice: "Eci, your demon is amazing. Where in hell did you summon it from and can I get one"

Eci: "no you can't it's my demon"

Fan girls: "NO DEMON CAN STOP US!"

Furfur: -stands on them- "CAN!"

Robin: -still completely oblivious-

Monica: "Robin, Do you have _any_ idea what's happening around you!?"

Robin: "Can't say I do. Why, what's happened?"

Furfur: -back to normal size- "Saafe!" –proud-

Eci: "Clever Furfur!" –picks him up-

Cloud: -scratching head- "Someone's gonna have to clean that up."

-in their new apartment thing-

Eci: "So, what're we doing while we're here?"

Ice: "You wanna go explore the ocean? Or, we can go visit Mister Dutchman."

-they leave-

Cloud: -to Alex- "there's a games room down the corridor, wanna check it out?"

Alex: "Sure, why not."

-they leave-

Furfur: "Furfur bored." –wanders off-

Robin: "Well that leaves us"-shuffles closer on the sofa-

Monica: -Grabs Robins tie and drags her to the rooms-

-next day-

Eci: -wearing a pirate hat- "That was fun. The new Dutchman guy's a bit boring though, don't you think?"

Ice: -waving a sword around- "Just a bit. He wouldn't even fight."

Alex: "Where's Monica and Robin?"

Furfur: "No wan know!" –playing with something-

Cloud: "'Demon 'as a point."

A girl: -carrying a big plate- "Here's somethin' to eat." –smiling-

Eci: -looks at the food- "Do you guys _only _eat fish down here?"

Ice: "Easiest thing to get, 'we send anyone up and they get sick cause of the pressure change and something."

Cloud: "Ugh. Squid."

Alex: "That's just a bit disgusting."

Furfur: "Bleh."

Ice: "Even the demon won't eat it."

Eci: "No shit, Sherlock."

Alex: "Do you have _anything _other than squid?"

Cloud: "Tuna, Salmon, Shark, cuttlefish, jellyfish, the occasional dolphin and a narwhal or two"

Eci: "Don't you get sick of fish?"

Furfur: "I already am!"

Ice: "Oh, a smartass demon, huh?"

Alex: "Right that's it were going to the surface to get MacDonald's"

Eci: "Alright then" –picks up Furfur-

Cloud: "You want me to take you up?"

Eci: "INDEED!"

Furfur: "NO SWIM!"

Cloud: "No were going in the submarine"

Alex: "Won't the kracken attack?"

Cloud: "Most probably. That's why we go really fast, and that's why we get sick."

Eci: "Ah."

Furfur: -wriggling- "GO GO!"

Eci: "I'm sure there's a spell we can do to fix that"

Cloud: "In that case, follow me!" –runs off-

Eci + Alex: -run off after him-

Ice: -just realises- "OI! I'm on my own now!"

-in the submarine-

Cloud: -at the controls- "Now then.. Which button.."

Eci: "You don't know how to use it?"

Cloud: "Oh yeah, of course I do. I just.. forgot bits.."

Alex: "We're screwed." –doing up seatbelts-

Furfur: -climbing on the roof- "Screwed!"

Eci: "Furfur! Down!"

Cloud: "Alright, I've figured it out. Hold on to your hats."

Eci: "MY HAT!" –grabs it-

-At maccie D's-

Eci: ".. and a big mac. Oh, and a coke. For each order. Thanks."

Server: "That'll be.. $100. And 99cents."

Eci: "YOU WHAT!?"

Cloud: "Over priced much?"

Furfur: "No carry money!"

Eci: "Alex, you pay" –walks off with order-

Alex: -blank stare-

Server: "Sir?"

Alex: -drops one of Furfurs smoke bombs and runs off-

-back in the sub-

Cloud: "Here we go again"

-back at school-

Ice: "Oh good, you're back. I can has food?"

Alex: "My food." –already eating-

Robin: "I smell food"-is really messily dressed-

Eci: "Dude. Cover your shame." –handful of fries-

Furfur: "SHAME!" –stealing a big mac-

Robin: "what shame??" –grabs some food-

Monica: -even worse dressed than Robin- "Uhg. Food."

Eci: "What in the name of Satan have you been doing. Actually scratch that I don't want to know." –grimaces-

Ice: -grabs something- "At least it's not fish."

Alex: "MY FOOD, BITCH!"

Monica: "MINE!" –fighting over something-

Robin: -walks over and fire-man lifts Monica away from Alex-

Eci: -looking out of window- "OH! A ship! Wait. It's underwater. THE DUTCHMAN!?"

Ice: "He came for a fight?!"

Robin: -also at window- "I don't get it…."

Monica:" ROBIN!!!! PUT. ME. DOWN!" –screaming-

Eci: "Righty. The Dutchman's come to visit. MAN THE CANNONS!"

Ice: -hits Eci on the back of the head- "You aren't captain here, missy. Also, we can't win against the Dutchman."

Furfur: "Ship is wet. No like ship."

Will Turner: -bursts through the main doors- "MY HAT!"

Eci: "My hat now."

Robin: -accidently drops Monica-

Monica: "BASTARD!"

Will: -pauses- "Even the Pearl wasn't this bad."

Eci: "OH! Calling our not-really-a-ship a mess, are you?!"

Will: "Obviously."

Robin: "en Garde bitch!" –Pulls out a sword and a hat-

Eci: -nabs Ice's sword- "HAVE AT YE!"

Ice: "HOI!"

Will: "Fine!" –Pulls his sword out-

Furfur: "Feed to sharks!!" –clapping-

Robin: -drops sword- "I can't be bothered" –walk off to pick Monica up again-

Eci: "COWARD!" –waving sword around-

Robin: "Bugger off" –waving fist-

Eci: -lowers sword- "ehe… Parley?"

Will: "Okay" –smiles- "Keep the hat"

Eci: "can do!"

Kracken: -is nommning the Dutchman-

Will: -stares-

Ice: "Wells that's you screwed"

Cloud: "Jesus Christ. Stupid Kracken."

Furfur: "GRAH! JESUS!"

Eci: "Mister Dutchman, do you want to stay until your ship is fixed?"

Will: "My name's Will, and yes."

Eci: "Right, to the apartment then!"

-in the apartment-

Eci: "Explain why I have to share a room with Alex, please."

Cloud: "Because Robin and Monica insist on having a room to themselves"

Ice: "And mister Turner needed a room"

Eci: "He can sleep on the sofa"

Ice: "Now now, that's not very hospitable"

Eci: "Well there aren't any other rooms left"

Monica: "Which is why you're sharing a room with my brother. That and the fact he's scared to death of telling you-"

Robin: -hand over Monica's mouth- "No spoilers!"

Monica: "Fine but you owe me"

Robin: "Alright I'll make it up then" –pushes her into the bedroom-

Everyone: -O.O-

Eci: "Ugh. Fine." –walks into her room-

Ice: -grabs Alex- "Do anything to my sister, and I'll murder you and feed you bit by bit to Furfur"

-all in bed and its about 3 in the morning-

Bangs: -coming from Robin and Monica's room-

Eci: "WHAT THE FUCK GUYS?!"

Alex: "I'm not hearing anything. Nope, definatley not." –in denial-

Ice: -bursts into Eci and Alex's room- "Oh good. It's not what I thought." –glares at Alex-

Next room- moans-

Ice, Eci and Alex: -O.O-

Cloud: -from his room- "Please tell me I'm hearing things"

Eci: "Sorry, no luck"

Alex: "I can't hear anything. No."

Ice: "Well I frigging can!" –ear against wall-

Eci: "ICE!" –throws a pillow at him-

Ice: "Bets on whose on top?" –laughing-

Cloud: "£5 on Robin" –walking in-

Ice: "Well.. It's definitely not Robin moaning."

Eci: "HOW CAN YOU TELL!?"

Ice: "Oh. I know Robin."

Eci, Alex and Cloud: -O_O-

-in another room-

Will: -trying to stuff his ears with a pillow-

-back to them-

Eci: "No seriously how do you know?"

Ice: "No, Seriously, I know Robin." –dead serious look-

Cloud: "Dude. You are so wrong."

Ice: "Okay. Like I've never been told that before and I might have filmed them a few times" –creepy grin-

Alex: "You what? You-"

Ice: "Yes, yes, and yes to the last question."

Monica + Robin: -stood in the doorway completely naked-

Alex: "AAH! GOD! MY EYES!" –Hands over eyes-

Ice: "Jesus, Robin, How thin did you get?"

Robin: "Stop looking at my ribs!"

Ice: "I wasn't looking at your ribs, actually."

Eci: "Jesus Christ, my twin's a giant pervert."

Alex: "My twin is completely naked. I think I'm worst off."

Robin: "your all screwed if you don't burn that tape. Yes, we heard your conversation." –Crosses arms-

Eci: "how did you hear us with all the screaming?"

Robin: "We just did ok."

Ice: "There's no way I'm burning the tape!"

Robin: -runs off-

-in Will's room-

Robin: -burst through the door, naked-

Will: -recoil in horror- "ELIZIBETH! I SWEAR I DIDN'T LOOK!"

Robin: "I need your pillows! And why is everyone shouting?!"

-Back to the main cast-

Ice: "where'd Robin go?"

Robin: "HERE BITCH!" –Pummels him with pillows-

Ice: "GAH!"

Alex: "Monica… Pleease put something on"

Monica: "I refuse"

Alex: "aahhh.."

Eci: -patting Alex's back- "I feel your pain"

Ice: -cowering- "STOP HITTING ME!"

Robin: "BURN THE TAPE!"

Ice: "NIEN"

Monica: -holding Ice down-

Ice: "steady on dear" –winking-

Monica: "Don't even think id consider you."

Cloud: -muttering- "Lucky bastard"

Robin: -kicks cloud in the face- "don't talk about her like that"

Eci: "FOR FUCKS SAKE! FURFUR, GET THAT TAPE AND DESTROY IT!"

Furfur: "GRAAAH!" –Pounces Ice-

Tape: -burning-

Robin + Monica: "We're done here" –return to their room and making disturbing noises-

Alex: "Can we leave? So I don't have to get even worse mental scarring?"

Next door: -moaning increases to screaming-

Alex: "I'M LEAVING!" –storms out-

Eci: "You're not the only one!" –follows-

Ice: "I'm staying" – I'm a perv face-

Cloud: -shakes head- "You're disgusting." –walks out-

----

Will Turner, the Kracken and the Flying Dutchman are Disney's  
_Everyone else is ours.  
_Sorry for the mind-destroyingness of this. Really..


	3. We're History!

-One month of Nautical Nonsense later..-

Eci: -patting Alex on the back-

Alex: -head on table-

Monica + Robin: -walk in holding hands and smiling-

Eci: -glares at them- "OUT! OOUUT!" –points-

Ice: "naah, they can stay." –waves a tape in front of them-

Robin: "OH BITCHFACE!"

Cloud: "You're screwed, mate." –to Eci and Alex- "you guys want a ride back to the surface?"

Eci: "We have to stay here for at least a month."

Cloud: "It's been a month. You can't tell properly from down here." –grins-

Eci: "Seriously!?"

Robin: "To the surface!"

-in a submarine-

Cloud: "Right. I definitely know how to drive it now."

Eci: "Oh, good."

Monica: -in Alex's ear- "You know, if you don't tell her, I will. Seriously."

Alex: "okay, okay"

Eci: "What's up with you two?"

Alex: "urm……. Ilikeyou"

Eci: -dumb as a broom handle- "Huh?"

Monica: "Jesus.. "

Furfur: -hissing- "Me no likes Jesus!"

Monica: -o.O-

Furfur: -grumbles, walks in a circle, and lays down like a dog-

-on the surface-

Eci: "Right, how are we getting away from here?"

Cloud: -shrugs- "Not my problem." –goes back down-

Robin: "Great, now I'm wet"

Monica: "That is completely inappropriate, Robin"

Eci: "SHE MENT THE WATER, YOU DIRTY, DIRTY BITCH"

Monica: "ok don't smash my hopes completely" –looking sad-

Alex: -hands over ears- "Didn't hear ANY of that."

Robin: "Don't worry I'm always wet for you" –sniggers- "heard that didn't you, Alex"

Eci: "Will you stop it!?"

Alex: "Please do!"

Robin: "Shaln't"

Eci: "THAT'S IT!" –opens up a vortex- "Alex, Furfur, We're leaving" –goes through it-

-back at hoggywarts-

Draco: "too bad. You're back. It was quiet."

Eci: "SHUT IT, OLD MAN! I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR YOUR SHIT! I HAVEN'T SLEPT FOR NEARLY A MONTH! AND THESE TWATS ARE GETTING WORSE AND WORSE EVERY DAY! ALEX KEEPS TRYING TO SAY SOMETHNG AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HIM BECAUSE I'M REELING FROM A COMMENT ONE OF THESE GUYS MADE! UGH! I'M GOING TO BED!" –Storms off-

Draco: -O.O- "Okaay.."

Alex: "Well done for setting her off."

Kateri: "looks like you made them worse, old man"-looks around- "Well not all of them"

Robin + Monica: -walking off holding hands-

Alex: "I can't be bothered dealing with them." –walks the same way Eci did-

Kateri: -pats Draco's shoulder- "Looks like your school's gonna be wrecked again soon!"

Draco: -facepalms-

-in the Slytherin common room-

Eci: -is fast asleep on one of the sofas-

Alex: -is sat in a chair-

Robin + Monica: -bursts through the door- "WHATS UP KIDDIES!?"

Eci: -jumps up- "AH!?"

Alex: "Fabulous."

Eci: -glares- "Bitches." –walks up into the rooms-

Robin: "Why's everyone so down?"

Alex: -rolls eyes- "Couldn't be because you kept us up for a month, could it."

Monica: "We've been getting to sleep just fine"

Alex: -fake laugh- "Wonder why that could be?"

Eci: -from upstairs- "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Robin: "JESUS! FINE!"

Eci: AND DON'T DARE COME UP TO THIS DORM YOU DIRTY BASTARDS!"

Monica: "FINE!"

Alex: "tch" –walks up to the boys dorm-

-the next day-

Robin: "That was the worst nights sleep I've had in ages."

Eci: "Payback's a bitch. Savvy" –crosses arms-

Alex: "Damn right" –stretching-

Monica: "What we got first?"

Eci: "History. Apparently"

-in History class-

Shizuma: -staring at Robin- "You remind me of someone."

Monica: -behind Robin, making the 'don't say it' hand gestures-

Shizuma: -snaps fingers- "Harriet!"

Robin: -snaps- "BIITCH!!!"

Monica: -holding her back-

Shizuma: -turns round and shakes head- "Anyway, all the class has a history assignment to do. Which includes you guys."

Eci: "Hmm?"

Robin: "YOU ARE KIDDING ME!!"

Monica: "We haven't been here!"

Shizuma: "Makes no difference to me. You still gotta do it."

Alex: "What about?"

Shizuma: -shrugs- "Muggles living alongside wizards in the major points of history"

Eci: "Pirates?"

Shizuma: "Nah, witches on ships don't work properly. Anyway, you've got this lesson to go researching and a few more days to research and everything."

Robin: "I am not reading books for a week."

Eci: "Who needs books? _I've_ written history books. Let's go experience it!"

Robin: "How are we supposed to do that?"

Eci: -stares- "Does no-one listen when I speak!? TIME. TRAVEL!!"

Robin: "and how does _that_ work?"

Eci: "I.." –thinks- "It.. It just does! Do you want to pass or not?!"

Alex: "Well, time travel sounds fun."

Eci: "Oh, it is. Provided you don't kill any historical figures or anything."

Robin: "Explain how it works!" –being awkward-

Eci: -ignores Robin- "Right, I'm off to get my stuff. Meet me here in a few minutes. I'd pack a bit of stuff." –runs off-

-a few minutes later-

Eci: -wearing a pair of bright green goggles on top of her head and drawing a huge chalk circle on the floor- "Everyone get in the circle! Don't run off, and listen to me. Seriously, I've been back in time before and you haven't. Oh, and there's a small possibility that you'll get time sickness, or some disease from back then. Or, you could die." –grins and stands up, pulling the goggles onto her eyes-

Everyone: -gets into the circle-

Eci: "Alrighty then!"

-in the middle ages(btw its very muddy)-

Robin: "Glastonbury!" –rolls in the mud-

Eci: "Uh, Robin- Two things. 1- we're in London.2- That's… not mud."

Robin "YOU WHAT!?" –jumps up- "eww!"

Monica: "Ewww"

Robin: "Shower!!!!"

Eci: "Showers haven't been invented yet…"

Alex: -grimacing-

Robin: "UGH!" –runs towards London Bridge-

Eci: "ROBIN! DON'T JUMP IN THE THAMES!"

Robin: "TOO LATE!" –in the river- "OMG! FLOATING SHIT!"

Monica: "Rooo-biin.."

A guy: "Whats you be doing 'ere then?"

Eci: "AAH!" –jumps back-

Furfur: -growls-

Guy: "AARGH! THE DEVIL!" -makes sign of the cross-

Furfur: "No like crossesss!"

Robin: -climbs out- "aaahh…"

Alex: "The middle ages seems.."

Monica: "Shitty. Let's go."

Eci: "Ugh. Fine."

-on the titanic-

Eci: "Oh awesome! The Titanic!"

Alex: "You mean you don't know where you're going?"

Eci: "Hell no! You even seen Doctor Who? It's just like that. You turn up somewhere, at sometime, and do shit. Or, like my mum did, a pirate"

Alex: "Didn't need to know that last bit."

Robin: "Where's the nearest shower?"

Attendant: -grimaces and points-

Robin: "Thanks mate, c'mon Monica"

Alex: "Christ."

Monica: "I'm not getting in 'till you get all that shit off"

Furfur: -cowering-

Eci: "aww. Poor Furfur."

Iceberg: -is dead ahead-

Alex: "You can get us out of here before we all die, right?"

Eci: "Most probably."

Iceberg: -hits the ship-

Alex: -falls over straight onto Eci-

Both of them: -blushing-

Ship: -starts sinking-

Alex + Eci: -start sliding down-

Eci: "Oh Jesus!" –goggles get stuck on something and fall off-

Furfur: -sliding down faster- "NO LIKE!"

Eci: -grabs on to something while sliding- "Alex! Grab on!"

Alex: -grabs Eci's hand and blushes-

Eci: "Goddamn it! I lost my goggles!" -trying to keep hold of Alex and the thing-

Alex: "What can I do?!"

Eci: "HOLD ON!"

Robin: "Shiiiiiit!" –sliding down the ship-

Eci: "Robin! Grab my goggles!"

Robin: -managed to turn around- "You what!?"

Eci: "I need them to get us back!"

Monica: -also sliding past- "I got 'em!"

Eci: "Great! Now I need to draw a circle with no hands!"

Robin: "I'll draw it?!"

Eci: "I need to! Sorry, rules! Someone catch Alex!" –lets go of Alex-

Alex: "WHAT!?" –falls-

Wall: -gets in the way-

Eci: "Right." –drawing a circle near her with one hand-

Robin: "Hurry up!"

Eci: -drawn the circle- "Nice one"

Robin: "Yeah, it would be if it wasn't now on a wall instead of the floor" –ship's now vertical-

Eci: "For fucks sake"

Monica: "So what are we supposed to do?!"

Eci: -lets go and falls- "Find somewhere else to draw it!" –looking round-

Robin: "There!" –points to something floating with a person hanging on-

Alex: "but what about the girl on the wood?"

Robin: "Fuck her! We need to get back, I'm dying for a drink an' a shag" –grinning like an idiot-

Eci: "Robin, that's just gross!" –ew face- "Anyway, let's go!"

Robin: -knocks the girl out of the way- "Shift, love!"

Girl: -sinks faster than the ship-

Eci: -drawing a circle-

Alex: "Eci, in case we die…" –deep breath- "I love you." –pulled Eci to one side-

Eci: -shell shocked-

Monica: "Oh well done, genius! Now she can't finish bsaving our asses/b!" –waving arms-

Robin: "Monni, give him a break" –being fair for once- "Umm, there's something I need to say too. I really like you, in fact I love you"

Monica: "What!? Really!? OMG! I love you too, Rob!" –hugging Robin-

Eci: "riiiiiight… lets go then!"

Alex: -traffic light red-

Eci: -finishes the circle- "Right, everyone get at _least_ a hand in."

Everyone: -sticks a hand in-

Eci: "Hang on, where's Furfur?"

Robin: "Fuck the little critter!"

Monica: "yeah, but we can't just leave him!"

Robin: "I want you to be safe, and quite frankly, he's stopping that from happening" –bright red-

Monica: -hugging Robin- "I love you"

Eci: -pulling faces- "Can we leave now?"

Alex: "Yeah, can we" –getting impatient-

Furfur: -jumped on Eci's back at the last second- "Me no like water!"

Eci: -falls forward a bit- "Christ!"

-back at Hogwarts, 21st Century-

Everyone: -falls over-

Eci: -standing up- "Great. Now I'm hurt as well as soaked"

Draco: -had been walking past- "Where the hell have you 4 been!? You've been missing for a week!"

Monica: "A week?! Eci!"

Robin: "Why'd you send us a week too far?!"

Eci: "I don't know, couldn't have been the close proximity of death or anything!"

Robin: YOUKNOBHEAD!"

Monica: "Shouldn't we be getting changed?"

Eci: "Fair point. To the dorms!"


	4. We're Present!

-after getting changed, in Muggle studies-

Eci: -slams the door- "I hate wearing skirts!" –sits down angrily-

Robin: "I actually don't mind it" –skipping around-

Eci: -o.O-

Kateri: -walks in- "Shut up, sit down, then do whatever you want. I really don't care"

Eci: -notices something-"Alex, when did you start wearing glasses?"

Alex: -embarrassed- "Uh.. I lost my contacts on the Titanic"

Kateri: -looking at register- "Who the fuck is Google McFannyhouse?!"

Google: -extremely offended and walks out-

Robin: "I'm guessing that was her" –LOL-

Monica: "I think that caused a lolocaust!" –laughing-

-6 million people dying from laughter later-

Cloud: -is behind Robin and Eci- "Breeze did it!" –lifts their skirts up-

Monica + Alex: "MOTHER FUCKER GET BACK HERE!" –angry-

-eventually sit down-

Robin: -thinking-

Monica: -also thinking-

Alex: -THINKING-

Eci: -ThInKiNg-

Kateri: "Oh just piss off already!"

Robin: "Fine. To the lake!"

-the lake-

Alex: "Why did we come here?"

Eci: "Don't you remember? Cthulu's in there. And there aren't any Narwhals round here."

Robin: "No swimming then?" –lays down-

Eci: "No. No swimming."

Monica: -lays next to Robin-

Eci: -goes to sit down, then remembers she has a skirt on-

Alex: "Please sit down!"

Eci: -stares at him- "OHEMGEE! You're adorkable!" –snuggles him-

Monica: "eww-"

Robin: -kisses her to shut her up-

Eci: "Who's saying 'eww' now then?!" –pointing- "Actually, never mind." –snuggles Alex again-

Alex: -bright red and trying not to cry from happiness-

Cloud: "EEEWWWW…" –points- "That's disgusting! Especially Monica and Robin!" –pretending to throw up-

Robin: -punching the shit out of Cloud- "Don't you dare call her disgusting you piece of shit!"

Cloud: "Stop it!" –crying-

A guy: "No bullying." –holding Robin's arms-

Robin: -kicking- "GET OFF ME BITCH!"

Guy: "Provided you don't hurt him." –lets her go-

Cloud: -hugging the guy's legs-

Eci + Monica: "She won't be any trouble, we promise" –smiling sweetly-

Alex: -sneaky hand going up Eci's leg-

Eci: "Just 'coz you're adorkable doesn't mean I won't break your glasses."

Alex: -hand back by his side- "Yes miss."

Eci: -giggles and hugs him-

-meanwhile-

Monica: -trying the same thing-

Robin: "wow, talk about twins" –LOL- "But anyway, carry on"

Monica: "Alright, tiger" –grinning-

-much later, in History-

Shizuma: "Right, I want your history assignments in now! Or catastrophe _will_ eat you."

Eci: "Hands in the assignment-

Shizuma: "wow, this is extremely detailed! How did you do it?!"

Eci: "We'll not go into it, shall we?"

Shizuma: "Oh? So I'll just assume you copied from a book?"

Eci: "NO FUCKING WAY!"

Robin: "WE ALMOST_ DIED_ FOR THAT!"

Shizuma: "Yeah, right. Detention!"

Eci: -speechless-

Robin: "Bolocking twat face shithead tosser." –really mad-

Monica: -kisses Robin's cheek- "Calm down"

Robin: -instantly calm-

Bell: -girlish scream-

Shizuma: "I expect the four of you back at the end of the day!"

Robin: -from down the corridor- "Don't count on it!"

Shizuma: "Catastrophe! Get them!"

Eci: -pulls out a scroll and unrolls it- "Random demon! Protect us!" –summoning from the scroll-

Generic demon: -sighs and walks to Catastrophe-

Catastrophe: "RAWR!... Shit." –turns around-

Shizuma: "God fucking damn it."

--  
Shortest chapter ever. :P


	5. Lolocaust

-muggle studies with Kateri-

Kateri: "Ugh. You lot _again_" –throwing knives at students- "This is called a knife. Muggles use 'em"

Robin: "That's not a knife! _This_ is a knife!" –brandishes a machete-

Kateri: "Trying to out-weapon me, eh!?" –pulls out a hunting rifle-

Robin: -pulls out a machine gun-

Kateri: -pulls out a bazooka-

Robin: -pulls up in a tank-

Kateri: -deploys an anti-aircraft rocket launcher-

Robin: -in a war boat-

Kateri: -patting down cloak- "Where is it?!" –throwing random weapons at Robin-

Robin: -has Bin Laden-

Kateri: "What!? How'd you find him!?" –holding a nuke-

Robin: "Do not set that off!" –thinks- "Don't know how I found him."

Kateri: "Huh. Well, that ends your lesson on muggle weapons. Or something. Here, catch." –throws the nuke to Robin-

Robin: "OH SHIT!"

Eci: -opens a magic portal to suck the bomb up-

Robin: "nice one!"

Eci: -starts drawing a huge circle on the floor-

Alex: "What are you doing?"

Eci: "Summoning, duh." –grins-

Magical Portal of Doom: -opens on the floor-

Eci: -O_O- "Wrong… circle?" –looking round- "Oh _HELL _no."

Robin: "What do you mean wrong circle?!"

Eci: -rubbing neck- "um.. I drew a time travel circle.. and now we're in Nazi Germany.." –nervous laugh-

Kateri: -looking round wildly- "WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCKING _JASHIN_ DID YOU DO!?"

SS Officer: -walking past-

Eci: -hand over Kateri's mouth to shut her up- "Bollocks! Act German!"

Robin: -hand in air- "HEIL HITLER!"

SS Officer: -copies- "HEIL!" –walks on-

Eci: "Right… I need to get us out of here.. could take a while.."

Monica: "IT BETTER NOT!"

Robin: -goes to kiss Monica to calm her down-

Eci: -throws something at Robin- "NOT HERE!"

SS officer: "WHAT THE HITLERS MUSTACHE!?"*In German*

Eci: "uhm. Uh…"

Robin: "Shmuuu!"

Eci: "She's, uh, sick?"

SS Officer: -shrugs- "Whatever." *In German*

Robin: -poking Eci's face- "shmuuuu!"

Eci: -punches Robin- "STOP IT!" –back to thinking-

Kateri: "What the hell did you do. Seriously. Where'd the fucking castle go!?"

Robin: -arms wide- "SHMUUUU!"

Kateri: -shoots a tranquiliser at Robin-

Monica: "ROBIN!"

Kateri: -rolls eyes- "Calm down, she's just unconscious." –aims tranquiliser at Monica-

Monica: "meep."

Kateri: "ENOUGH WITH THE STUPID NOISES!" –fires-

Monica: -still standing- "Ha. Tranquilisers can't touch me."

Kateri: "What. The. Mumfluff."

Eci: "Nucking futs." –passes out-

Alex: "Well, we're fucked."

Kateri: "maybe you are, but I'm not. I smell dangerous weapons."

Monica: "You… smell them?"

Kateri: "METRAPHORICAL, BITCH!" –throws the tranquiliser gun at Monica-

Monica: -hit with the gun and passes out-

Alex: "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR!?"

Kateri: -shrugs- "Shits an giggles?"

Alex: "Now we're even more fucked!!" –slumps- "By the way, Robin's gonna be pissed."

Kateri: "huh?"

Robin: -wakes up explosively- "MOTHER FUCKER!!"

Alex: "told you." –trying to wake Eci up-

Robin: -got Kateri in a headlock- "DIE! DIE, MOTHERFUCKER!!"

Kateri: "HOLY JESUS CHRIST! THIS IS WORSE THAN GETTING BEATEN BY A BLONDE DUMBASS WITH ADHD!!"

Monica: -sits up- "guh."

Robin: "Monica! Are you alright? I was really worried!"

Alex: -staring- "sensitive.. Robin?"

Eci: "Eh? That's a physical impossibility!"

Alex: "Eci! You're awake!" –hugs-

Eci: "I.. was asleep?"

Kateri: -looking round- "You guys are the weirdest bunch of freaks I've ever seen in my life. And that's bloody saying something. I used to work with a fucking LAND SHARK"

SS Officer: "What's going on here?! Homosexuals?!"*in German*

Eci: "OH FUCK! Run, run away!!" –runs away dragging Alex-

Robin: -looks up- "uhhh…."

Monica: "s-she was.. resuccitating me?"

Kateri: "I'm not with them! I swear!"

SS officer: "I do not believe you!" –pointing at Robin- "But you, you can go." –to Kateri- *in German*

Kateri: "heh.. I'll.. be off now.." –slowly walking off-

SS Officer: " You two!" –points at Robin and Monica- "ah…"*In German*

Robin and Monica: -got bored and now.. yeah.-

SS Officer: -backing away- "BACK UP! I NEED BACK UP! RAGING HOMOSEXUALS!" *In German*

Eci: -spying from some bushes a bit away- "Ugh. Those two are ridiculous."

Alex: -also in the bush- "Why now?"

Eci: "You'd think, what with an SS Officer leaning over their shoulders, they'd ignore their 'urges' for just a few minutes. But NOOO. Bloody imbeciles."

Alex: "Fair enough. What are we going to do?"

Eci: "well, there isn't much we **can** do. 'Sept try not to get caught too."

Alex: "What would _we_ get caught for?"

Eci: "anything."

Alex: "Ah."

-at a random concentration camp-

Robin: "This place." –sways- "Blooody _STINKS!_"

SS Lieutenant: "How the ruddy hell did this.. thing.. get drunk?"*in German*

Robin: -creepy smile-

SS Officer: "I really, really don't want to know" *In German*

Monica: "look, I know Robin's not complaining, but could you, you know, let us out of the handcuffs?"

Robin: -fighting with the guy who's restraining her- "KINKYYY!!"

Monica: "ROBIN! You're not helping!!"

SS Lieutenant: -staring- "Such a raging case of the gays. I'm not sure even the gas chambers could cure it." *In German*

Robin: -sticks middle finger up- "SUCK ON THIS, BBBIIIIITCH!!" –runs away-

6 SS Officers: -tackle and pile on Robin-

Monica and the Lieutenant: -staring-

Monica: "I.. I apologise so much for what just happened. I have no idea what's up with her."

SS Lieutenant: -still in shock-

Robin: "OFF ME!! GRAHH!"

Eci and Alex: -in another bush on the edge of the camp- "No. Fucking. Way."

Kateri: -appears behind them- "BOO!"

SS Lieutenant: -spins round to look at the bush- "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?" *In German*

Kateri: -in a really small voice- "uhm. Mice?"

SS Lieutenant: "Oh. Ok." –turns back to Robin- "GET THEM IN THE CAMP, FOR FUCKS SAKE!" *In German*

Eci: -sweatdrop- "How.. the fuck… do you get someone so fucking _stupid_ in charge of a thing like that?"

Kateri: "ehehe.."

-in the camp-

Robin: "Where's the nearest bar?! I need a bloody drink!"

SS Officer: -looks round nervously, then hits Robin round the back of the head with the butt of his gun-

Robin: "GAH!" –collapses-

Monica: -picks her up- "I think you did everyone a favour there."

SS Officer: "How are you picking her up?!"

Monica: "She's really light actually…" –double take- "WOAH, YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!?"

SS Officer: "Uh. I'm English.."

Monica: "WHY ARE YOU IN NAZI GERMANY!?"

SS Officer: "I-I can't tell you.." –backing away-

Robin: -wakes up- "Wha… OH!" –points at the officer- "YOU'RE WHAT'S-HIS-NAME! ECI'S EX!"

SS Officer: "eh? Wait, Robin!?"

Monica: -drops Robin- "just how many people do you know?"

Robin: -thinks- "Hmm.. A few hundred or so?"

SS Officer: "What are you two doing in Nazi Germany? And why are you in a Concentration Camp?"

Robin: "Time travel for the first, homosexuality for the second, but I've no idea how the two came together." –grins-

SS Officer: "right… So, I'm guessing you guys want to escape at some point?"

Monica: -nodding like the Churchill dog-

SS Officer: -looks round- "Right, you guys are gonna have to trust me for a bit. Come on, I gotta put you in a hut." –marches them off-

Monica: "woah woah woah, hut?!"

SS Officer: "ehheh.. I'm guessing history isn't your strong point?" –pushes them into a random hut- "Sorry, it's communal!"

Robin: "YOU WHAT!?"

SS Officer: -mumbling something-

Monica: "SPEAK THE FUCK UP!"

SS Officer: "Don't go… making noises. You know what I mean." –walking off-

Robin: -quietly- "Fuck that!"

-five minutes later-

SS Officer: -walking past with a bag full of food-

Screaming: -coming from the hut-

SS Officer: "IT'S BEEN FIVE _FUCKING _MINUTES! FIVE! JESUS CHRIST!"

Robin: "Jesus Christ to you! I was fucking horney!"

SS Officer: -disgusted- "I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW!"

SS Lieutenant: "Something wrong?" *In German*

SS Officer: "EEP!" –jumps- "Eh.. N-Not really.." *In German*

SS Lieutenant: -staring at the hut- "Is that.. what I think it is?"*In German*

SS Officer: "That depends entirely on what you think it is"*In German*

SS Lieutenant: "Sounds to me like a fucking orgy. Is that where _all_ the gays are kept?" *In German*

SS Officer: "Uh, no. There's.. just… two of them in there…" *In German*

SS Lieutenant: -jaw drops- "Are you fucking serious?! They're waking half the camp up!" *In German*

Robin: "SHUT UP, OLD MAN!"

SS Lieutenant: "Ugh. If they're not for the chambers, no one is." –walks off- *In German*

-----  
I am so, so sorry for this chapter.  
I.. Really. I don't know what we were thinking.


	6. Back to REALITY!

-next day-

Eci and Alex: -dressed up as SS Officers-

SS Lieutenant: "Right, you two, take the contents of hut 4 to the chambers" *in German*

Eci: -whispers to Alex- "Where's the German dictionary?!"

Alex: -whispers back- "I have no idea!"

SS Lieutenant: -clears throat- "Officers?" *In German*

Eci: "Uh, Ja, Sir!"

SS Lieutenant: "Right.. Off you go then.." *in German*

Eci and Alex: -walk off-

Alex: "Eci, can women even become SS Officers?"

Eci: -thinks- "Shit. Oh well, it worked. You got the spare uniforms?"

Alex: "Yeah, but I still don't think this is going to work."

Eci: -stops dead- "Shit. Alex, I now think you're right and that we should run away."

Alex: "Why, we been caught?"

Eci: "Worse. Much, much worse."

Alex: "What can be worse than getting caught and put in the gas chambers?"

Eci: "uh.. I don't know, something!" –trying to drag him off-

Alex: "Eci? What's up?"

Eci: "JUST COME ON!" –panicing-

SS Officer: -walks up behind Eci and Alex- "What's going on here?"

Eci: "GAH!" –jumps onto Alex-

Alex: "Wha-" -manages to stay upright-

SS Officer: "wait.. Eci?!"

Eci: -looks at him- "Ehhehe.. Brett.." –bright red-

Alex: -immensely confused-

Brett: -staring-

Alex: -glaring at him-

Eci: -attempting to kill herself without being noticed-

SS Lieutenant: "What's going on here?" *in German*

Brett: "Uh… she.. he.. um.. saw a mouse?" *In German*

SS Lieutenant: -suspicious- "hmm…. Right…" *In German*

Eci: -clears throat- "Hum.. he means.. I saw.. a Jew?" *In Very bad German*

SS Lieutenant: "Oh dear god! Are you ok?!" *In German*

Eci: "uh.. Ja?" *In..German?*

Alex: "Anyone else hear that banging noise?"

Everyone: -turns round-

Robin: -streaking- "FREEEEEEDOOOOOMMMM!!!!!"

Monica: -chasing Robin, also nude- "ROBIN! YOU STUPID COW! FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED!! DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING!!"

6 very strong SS Officers: -chasing both of them, fully clothed-

SS Lieutenant: "What.. the hell…" –turns back round- *In German*

Eci, Brett and Alex: -are gone-

Kateri: -spotted smuggling weapons- "Ah. Shit." –runs away dropping the guns-

SS Lieutenant: -staring- "I need a fucking drink... A bloody strong one at that…" *In German*

-Later, after they managed to round up Robin-

Brett: "So.. why are you here? And you wanna go save Robin?"

Eci: "Not with you I don't." –arms crossed-

Alex: "Is anyone going to explain anything?"

Eci: "I would, but that would involve acknowledging that guy" –pointing at Brett-

Brett: "You'll have to acknowledge me sometime, Eci."

Eci: "NEVER!" –walks away and sits down a little further from Brett-

Brett: "You just acknowledged meeee"

Eci: -throws a brick at him-

Brett: "oww.."

Eci: "Anyway, _Alex_, how are we gonna rescue those two?"

Robin: "Rescue who?" –sat next to Eci-

Eci: "Wha- How-" –extremely confused- "WHAT THE DUCK!?"

Alex: "eh…"

Monica: "YAAAAY! ALEX!!" –glomps Alex-

Alex: "aah! What the fuck!? What are you on?!"

Brett: "How the hell did you get out?!"

Eci: "DON'T ANSWER THE BASTARD!"

Robin: "weeeell…"

-flashback-

Robin: -pissed off at being caught and clothed-

Monica: "so then boys" –addressing officers- "fancy a party that will be fun of lesbian porn?"

SS officers: -drueling- "yes please" *in german*

Robin: "just put on these blindfolds while we get ready…"

-end flashback-

Robin: "..And we just walked out!"

Eci: -shellshocked-

Brett: "uhh….."

Alex: "Monica.. Get off…"

Monica: "NO!"

Eci: "anyway….. How about we get back to.. Hogwarts or something." –starts drawing a circle-

Brett: "I'll help!" –starts helping draw the circle-

Eci: "NO! NO! STOP INFRINGING ON MY CIRCLE!" –throwing bits of chalk at him-

Brett: "LOVE ME!"

Eci: "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU SIDWAYS TILL YOU CAN'T FUCKING WALK!"

Brett: "As long as you do it!"

Eci: -recoils- "UGH!"

Alex: "Let me mash his brains and feed them to Furfur" –still held down by an over loving Monica-

Eci: "If you've forgotten, you fucking cheated on me with fucking Parkinson! FUCK OFF!"

Robin: "Woooah, no-one ever told me that!"

Eci: "FUCK OFF ROBIN! MY ARGUMENT!"

Brett: "I didn't mean to! I was drunk!"

Eci: "No-one can be so drunk they get off with a fucking slug-pig-bitch!"

Robin: "Yeah. Even I wouldn't go there."

Eci: "PROVES MY POINT!"

Hitler: -walks round the corner- "THERE THEY ARE! GET THEM!" *In German*

Eci: "FUCK! YOUR FAULT!" –pointing at Brett while finishing the circle-

Everyone: -dives into the circle-

Hitler: "FUCKING JEW BATS!" *In German*

-Back at Hogwarts-

Brett: -attempting to grope Eci-

Alex: -kicking Brett in the face-

Robin: -passes out-

Monica: "ROBIN!"

Eci: -glaring at Brett- "Monica.. What's up with Robin.. Normally it's me who passes out"

Monica: -shaking Robin- "Wake up. Wake up! WAKE UP, ROBIN, please…" –crying-

Eci: "Fuck…" –half picks Robin up and puts an arm over her shoulder, then half drags her off to the hospital wing-

Monica: -crying uncontrollably-

Alex: "come on, Monni. She'll be fine."

Monica: "I'm not so sure, Alex."

Alex: "She will, whatever's up. Come on, you need to lie down or something.."

-in the morning-

Draco: -in the headmasters seat- "Why on earth is the school so quiet?" –looks towards Kateri's seat, which is empty- "huh…" –notices the empty seats at the Slytherin table- "Ah. That Explains it."

Shizuma: "What explains what? Oh, and stop talking to yourself" –eating-

-in the Hospital wing-

Monica: -is asleep on Robin's bed-

Madam Granger: "hmmm…." –goes to wake Monica up-

Eci: -running through the doors- "Move, first years! I'm bigger, I get to go first!"

Madam Granger: "Quiet please!" –shaking Monica-

Monica: "Ugh." –hitting Hermione's arms-

Hermione: "Wake up! For gods sake!"

Robin: -half awake- "Don't… speak like that to Monni…" –starts choking-

Hermione: "eeep!" –running around in little circles-

Eci: -patting Robin on the back to try and help-

Monica: -slips off the bed and wakes up- "Huh?"

Robin: "food…"

Monica: "ROBIN! YOU'RE AWAKE!" –hugging-

Hermione: "OF COURSE!" –points at Eci- "Go get some food!"

Eci: "What?! HELL NO! You do it, missis healer-person! Savvy!"

Hermione: -glares and runs off-

Brett: -in a bed next to Robin- "Eeeeciiiiii…."

Eci: "FUCK OFF!!"

Robin: "be quiet…"

Monica: "You heard her! Shut up!"

Alex: -pops head round door- "Eci? You coming to breakfast?" –spots Brett and glares at him as if a dog shit on the carpet-

Eci: "YES!" –walks off, hitting Brett on the head as she goes- "Hope you get concussion, bitch face!"

Monica: -kisses robin- "I'll be back in a bit" –smiles-

-In The Great Hall-

Monica: "I'm worried about Robin…"

Eci: "Calm down, she'll be fine… I mean, Miss Uppity will force feed her if nothing else.."

Kateri: -rounds the corner at high speed looking rather wild, carrying way too many weapons of mass destruction-

Eci: "Ehh…"

Alex: "Oh bugger"

Kateri: "YOU BASTARDS LEFT ME IN NAZI _FUCKING_ GERMANY!"

Eci: "Shit"

Kateri: "I've had to sit tight for fucking YEARS! Jesus **CHRIST**!"

Eci: "Uhm.. Sorry?"

Kateri: "BETTER FUCKING BE! Though I did get some awesome weapons out of it…"

Alex: "And on that note…" –walking into the Hall-

Kateri: "I'mma go torture Draco with these…" –grinning-

-Later, in Potions with Draco-

Draco: -has various severe injuries- "Sit down, shut up and fucking listen.."

Eci: "To what? You? Ha."

Draco: "FUCK YOU!"

Eci: "NO THANKS! I.. uh.." –falls asleep-

Draco: "Now the lesson will be quieter.."

Monica: "Don't count on it!" –walking in supporting Robin-

Draco: "For fucks sake. No wonder Dumbledore let Snape kill him. Fucking nutty school."

Alex: "Right… I'll take Eci up to the dorms" –half carrying her-

Robin: "We got a free period next, yeah?"

Monica: "Yep!"

Draco: "You have no free period till you've finished this lesson. Make something non-dangerous. A giggling potion or something."

Robin: "I'm sick. I can be let off, yeah?"

Monica: "And I'm a carer right now!"

Draco: "UGH! Fine! Go away!"

Robin: -limping away- "OWNED!" –tries to run and falls flat on her face-

Monica: -sweatdrop- "Rooobin…"

-in the dorms-

Monica: "Robin, help me get Alex and Eci together."

Robin: "Eh? Why?"

Monica: "Cause they're too dense to do it themselves."

Robin: "Fair enough. To the Room of Requirement!"

-outside the RoR-

Robin: "Make the squariest room possible! Shit! I mean Scariest!"

Monica: "AHAH! You suck!"

Robin: -D:-

Monica: "Just kidding, lovely!" –hugs-

Robin: "Awww" –hugs back-

Monica: "You want me to go get Eci and Alex?"

Robin: "You get Eci.. I'll go find your brother"

-5 minutes later-

Monica: -pushing Eci along- "You have to help! It's like the ungodly love child of Davy Jones, Satan, Hitler and Tinkerbell! You have to do something!"

Eci: "ehh.. Come on.. my brain's not working right yet…"

Monica: "In there! It's in there!" –pushes Eci into the RoR and locks it-

Robin: -dragging Alex- "Quick! Brett's making a move on Eci!" –shoves him in the room-

Eci: -banging on the door- "I HATE THE DARK, BITCHES!!"

-next Day-

Robin: "you think it went well last night? For them I mean?"

Monica: "I hope so" –smiles- "You've changed since hospital, Robin"

Brett: -storming down the corridor-

Robin: "Who ripped you knickers off this morning?"

Brett: "FUCK YOU!" –pissed off-

Monica: "well, Lah-de-dah!" –excessive hand movements-

Brett: -throws something at Monica-

Robin: -now in crutches, wobbles after him- "Damn you people!! Insulting Monni while I'm lame and can't do anything about it!!"

Eci: -holding hands with Alex- "What's up with Robin?"

Monica: "AWW! You two are so cute together!"

Eci: -puts a pair of nerd glasses on-

Monica: "Kay, now you just killed it and spat on it's grave" –smile-

Eci: "Screeeew you! I've just set up half a ton of fireworks to go off outside the Gryffindor dorm. And I did it properly. No accidents."

Alex: "You left Furfur near them"

Eci: "SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!" –drags Alex off to a safe distance-

Monica: "Eh?"

Eci: -from behind a barrier- "HIDE! HIDE IF YOU WANT TO FUCKING LIVE!"

Monica: "OH! Right!" –grabs Robin and runs to shelter-

Draco: -in his office- "Why do I get the feeling something terrible is going to happen?"

Dumbledore's portrait: "Because you have worse students than I did!"

Draco: -looks out of the window and sees the huge amount of fireworks- "Oh. Oh. Oh."

Furfur: -is gnawing the fuses-

Draco: "Fuck."

The Gryffindor tower and half the school: -explodes in multi-colour glory like some kind of exploding sparklepire-

Robin: -rubbing her head- "I think we may have overdone it a little…"

Eci: "that. That was not supposed to happen. I swear to whoever religion's right's god, I only put half that many fireworks there. If that."

Draco: -slightly charred- "How'd I guess? Fucking fantastic! The school's a fucking ruin! Great! Most the students are dead! Brilliant!"

Eci: "uhh… I.. You know what, screw it."

Draco: "Do me a favour. Get the fuck out, and don't come back for a LONG time. Okay? Give us time to recuperate. You're sending me fucking nuts. 4 kids are sending me madder than the whole fucking school did to what's-his-name."

Eci: "I'll just be leaving. Can't be arsed."

Robin: "Accio Belongings"

All their stuff: -is there-

Draco: "Thank you, Robin. Now, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SCHOOL!"

-outside the grounds-

Robin: "Well. That went about as well as can be expected."

Eci: "I swear, I didn't mean for that to happen. I only put a box at the most outside."

Furfur: -almost burned to a crisp- "Graah.."

Eci: "Oh. Of course."

Robin: "Bad demon?"

Eci: "FUCK THAT!" –drawing a circle round Furfur- "He's going back to wherever the fuck he came from."

Furfur: -dragged back to hell-

Alex: "Where are we going to go? I mean, we sort of lived there…"

Eci: "LOOK, I'M SORRY!"

Robin: "No worries we can all go back to mine, my mum won't mind at all" –smiles- "Just be prepared when we get there"

Alex: -hugs Eci- "Don't worry Eci it's all fine"

Eci: "Robin, what do you mean by be ready?"

Robin: "Just be, okay?"

Again, sorry.  
We'll make fun of something not so offensive next time.  
Hermionie belongs to JK


End file.
